Currently The Map That Changed the World: William Smith and the Birth of Modern Geology (P.S.) By Simon Winchester see related

One more

First poem in three years, my how time flies. And for those who remember me talking about Joey, the object of apparently several previous poems, and many conversations, he is engaged. To the girl he chose to ignore me for. And I pretend to be thrilled. But this one, is not about him.



40. There was a time

There was a time
When I was new
I was invited
I was fun

There was a time
When I was noticed
I was remembered
I was missed

There was a time
When I was interesting
I was important
I was there

There was a time
Before all that
That was different
That was habit, not choice

Here is that time again
Much like before
It is quiet
It is familiar

I miss being missed
I miss being remembered
I miss being there

I miss when it was new
When it was interesting
When it was fun

Do they miss me too
I wonder
Do they remember I was there

That it was them
Who made me important
Who chose me to be new

Currently Reading War and Peace By Leo Tolstoy see related

On Wednesday it was Amanda's birthday, and she had about 25 people, most from work, meet at Joey's Restaurant for dinner. I got there and there were only 3 other people so I sat with them after making sure they were there for Manda's thing. They apparently met her through some friend of theirs. I was sitting beside Rick, with Keith across from me, and another girl beside him who might have been Meghan. I was talking to and drinking with them for a bit and Manda and all the other people finally came in. Then we all ordered dinner and Manda was cruising around to all the tables since we took up half the restaurant, and she took Rick's chair at one point so he sat on my lap until she moved. Then after another hour or so it got a bit quiet cause we wanted to move to a club or somewhere, but Manda's work friends didn't want to go just yet, so I hopped in Rick’s car with him and Meghan and we went to Roses. We were just at a small table and since there were only 6 of us, I sat on his lap. We were there for about 10 minutes and Manda didn't show up and the guys found out that I'd never seen strippers before, so we drove the three blocks to Cheetahs to wait for Manda to meet up with us there.

Rick had parked across the road and down a bit, and when I got out of the car he actually picked me up and carried me across the street, towards the other guys, which was pretty cool. So we went inside and sat at a booth and had a drink, and on the table was an advertisement for amateur night. Rick was trying to get me to try out for it, and when I said no he jokingly suggested that I could practice at his place. Then we grabbed seats right up at the stage cause Manda was supposed to be there soon, and watched about three girls on stage while we were there. I was just going to get a cab home, but Rick said he lives in Glenmore too, right across from the IGA on Kane Road so since it was so close he offered to give me a ride home. As we were coming down my driveway we saw two coyotes heading away from the house, and since all 12 of the cats live out there he came out with me to do a head count, then we wandered through the feild a bit with his airsoft pellet gun thing to see if the coyotes were still out there. Then we went back to the garage and sat there with the kittens talking for a half hour or so then he stood up and said he should probably go, so I gave him a hug and said thanks for the ride, then gave him my number when he asked for it. And I went in the house and considered adding him to Facebook but thought that might be a little soon and creepy since I'd just met him, but when I checked it before going to school the next day he had apparently added me when he got home, which is awesome.

Then he was texting me on Thursday a bit, and on Friday, then around 12:30 on Saturday he called me saying him and Keith were looking for something to do and thought I might be too, and asked if I wanted to go for a walk or something. So of course I said I'd love to, and I told him to give me an hour to actually get out of bed and have a shower and stuff, and I’d call him back when I was ready. So I did, and he said to make sure to grab my swim suit cause we’d probably be heading to his dad’s place to use the hot tub. So he came to get me and we drove to Canadian Tire to buy some oil for his car, and he put that in, then we drove to Keith's and watched a bit of 300 while waiting for their friend Amanda to get there. We started out with me sitting on one side of the L-shaped couch and Rick lying on the other part, then he moved so his head was on my lap by the time she got there. Keith was on the other couch with his two adorable cats. And Rick asked Keith if he had a measuring tape since I’d mentioned at Joey’s that I didn’t know how long my legs were, and that was apparently bugging him. But he didn’t.

Then Amanda got there and we headed to a liquor store and to Little Caesars to get pizza, then went to his dad's place in the westside and went in the hot tub and used a boogie board as a table. After a little bit his friend Mike joined us, and then Amanda's boyfriend Cody a bit later on. At first I was beside Amanda, across from Rick, then ended up sitting on his lap. So he had his arms around me, and with one hand he’d undo the strings on one side of my bikini to show that the knot wasn’t as good as I thought, then he’d tie it back up and undo the other side with his other hand. And we were all talking so his friends discovered that I’m pretty sheltered, so they kept asking questions like have I gone skydiving, or given blood, or seen an Arnold movie, or been mud bogging, or street racing, and I kept saying no, then mike asked if I'd been french kissed, and I said no as Rick said "I don't even want to ask about her v-card" and I said I'd been kissed once at my staff party and that’s been it so far. Rick was sitting in front of me at the time and I think I was supposed to be giving him a massage, but when I said that he turned right around to look at me and see if I was serious. Then the guys said something about how much fun they’ll have corrupting me, and I think Mike is going to burn me the first season of Heroes. So we sat out there until it got dark, then we went inside to play a couple games of pool, then were all pretty tired and Rick and I ended up lying on the floor with my head on his chest as we all figured out where to go before Ryan’s party.

So then we drove back to Kelowna and from one of the lights he started to street race Mike, but something with his car wasn’t working right and it wouldn’t speed up, and iit completely died by the time we hit the liquor store parking lot. So he had Cody listen to it when he tried to start it and apparently one of the bearings in the pistons is gone or whatever, so Rick either has to replace the whole engine, rebuild it, or buy a new car. Obviously he wasn't very happy since it’s a really hot car and he’s put so much work into it. So we had his car towed to his mom's apartment where he's living, (he says she's the best roommate he's had), then we all hopped in Mike and Cody's trucks and went just down the road from here to their friend Ryan's party. We stayed there drinking for the next 2-ish hours, with me sitting on his lap again for most of it, and he asked Ryan too for a tape measure but he didn’t have one nearby either. By that point I’d have 6 coolers, think I dropped my 7^th, and was feeling pretty sick so Rick, Manda, and another girl walked me home. When we got to the garage I turned on the light so Manda could see the kittens, and I pretty much said good night, went inside, and threw up. lol. Turns out 6 coolers is my limit.

And now it’s Monday night and I haven’t heard from him since then, but I’m going to assume he’s busy with his semi-sprained ankle (he fell down stairs Friday night apparently), and not having transportation (to work and elsewhere) since his car’s dead and his truck’s brakes don’t all work, and his motorbike insurance just ran out and it’s kinda cold for that anyways. And he works at Pepsi, and he’s 23, 5'11", and seems to be really nice.

Currently Reading Blood and Chocolate By Annette Curtis Klause see related

Some of you may be tired of me ranting about this, but I don't care. 

Why the fuck isn't he talking to me?  I have the msn conversation saved where he told me that he still likes me.  I have proof, I'm not crazy.  And some of you were at Kate's hot tub party, you saw us together and for the next week or more I kept getting asked if we were going out yet.  May 11th I went to see Delta Farce with Joey, Manda, and some other guy Joey knows.  Movie sucked, but we were all talking a bit afterwards and then when the bus finally came, I gave Joey a hug and said "see you later".  I thought that was a pretty big step forward, cause previously there'd been no physical contact seeing as we're both so fucking shy or stupid or whatever you want to call it.  He hasn't said a word to me since, and I have no idea what the hell I've done.  I've sent him a text message, said "Hi" to him a few times on msn, and nothing!  I left a comment on his Nexopia profile page.  Not a private message, a public comment.  All it pretty much said was "let me know when you'll be home one day so I can come pick up Eragon and Eldest."  I wasn't asking him to go out of his way to do anything, I'd come by and get them myself, he just had to name a date.  But instead, he deletes the comment.  He left Stocke's comment up, but removed mine.  It's been two and a half months, and I haven't heard a word.  And don't tell me to stop counting.  This upsets me, I can't just get over it like that.  I wrote a new deviantart journal, just a bit of an update on my pathetic little "life" and the end of it was kind of written to him, saying I'm sure he's annoyed with my few attempts to talk to him, I'm just hurt and confused as to why he's avoiding me.  And I am, I have absolutely no idea why he's doing this.  We've been talking for about 4 years now, we've never gone this long without even a "hi, how're you".  Trina said maybe someone had been telling him some untrue things about me, but how much would he actually believe?  And why would he just drop everything and ignore me, instead of asking me about it?  I still have the email he sent me quoting Matt saying I was planning on breaking up with him, and him asking if it was true.  I don't think I've done anything to piss him off, I have no idea why he's doing this.  Then today, when I signed on msn I had some song lyric as my name, and his was "Getting mixed messages sucks.....Who could ever love a beast like me...."  so I changed mine to "Bah!"  and his shifted to "blarg."  I put a lyric back as my name, and now his is back to the beast thing.  And not long ago his name was something about Lady Fate, then "Should I roll the dice? Draw the card? Spin the wheel, Or just make the call?"  And that's also the end of the deviantart journal he wrote in early April, which he later on confirmed had reffered to me.  And I know that his current name and maybe even that one might not actually reffer to me, but if it is, why the hell won't he just start a conversation?  Sure I'll be mad at him either way, but I want to know why he's doing this!  He said he likes me, which is obviously a lie 'cause he cannot ignore me like this and still like me.  That just doesn't work.  And no, I can't stop being upset and just get over this.  Because I need to know why he's doing it, and because I have no one else to move on to.  He said he cared, I believed him.  No one else does.

Currently Reading The Robber Bride By Margaret Atwood see related

Mom and dad leave for Valemount again tomorrow morning.  Grandpa's getting a pacemaker put in, then getting some other sort of surgery or test, then he's allowed to come home, so dad'll drive mom, grandma, and Scrapper down there to pick him up.  Meaning, Spud and I are on our own again.  I had a job interview on Friday at Bags & All in the mall, but they said with all the training and stuff I'll need to do, there's not to much point in hiring another student who'll be going to University in the fall.  Did go shopping though after though.  I bought another bra, which filled up my La Senza card, so now my next one is free.  I think I'm going to get one of the Itec Lace ones, I love the brown one.  And I got two shirts from Mariposa, along with a necklace and earrings since they were on sale.  One's a grey patterned tanktop that's really soft, the other is a brownish halter top that I just love.  Then when I got home mom got all bitchy 'cause I'm supposed to be saving money for school.  I know once I'm at the golfcourse again I can make enough, so I'm not quite as concerned.  And....what else.  Nexopia is a great place, I've gotten alot of messages from guys.  And some even seem normal and aren't creepy!  It's great, lol.  I've been talking to Joey a bit recently, not a whole lot.  Though at Natasha's party I started texting him just before I left up until the time I reached home, then came on msn, and we were talking until 3am.  It was pretty epic.  Around 1am we were just joking around about how I'm a "nice" person and stuff, and he brought up when we went out, and how bad he felt about not being able to talk to me.  I was quite surprised we were having that conversation, let alone he started it.  Really not something I thought would happen, so I saved it.  It was fairly long so I took out most of his msn name to make it all shorter, and I changed the colours so it'd show up on here better.

Matthew says: and here i thought id be nice to you...
Sleepy... says: but you don't trust me at all, so why bother being nice?
Matthew says: because your nice?
Sleepy... says: name one time!  lol
Matthew says: last week?  When you said yes to me asking you out?  even thou i failed that hard
Sleepy... says: I may have been nice to say yes, but it certainly wasn't nice of me to not be able to talk to you in person afterwards
Matthew says: come on, It was more my freezing up then anything.  i messed up a good opertunity
Sleepy... says: no, I blame myself entirely. Sitting in the theatre waiting for a movie to start, I should have been able to talk to you. I was just so f-ing shy I couldn't, and you have no idea how much that still bugs me.
Matthew says: bugs you? hell i felt horrible cause i froze so hard
Sleepy... says: I felt horrible then too, it's just toned down to me feeling stupid now. Running from the phone that time you called when Trina and Caitlin were over wasn't very nice either, and definetly the stupidest thing I've ever done
Matthew says: i shouldn't have called, you told me you didnt like talking on the phone..
Sleepy... says: but we were going out, why shouldn't you have been able to call me? and I should have been able to say atleast a few things.  we could have solid 5 hour conversations on msn, it wouldn't have been too hard
Matthew says: I dunno, Just that it felt like it was my fault and I could have done somthing to make it work..
Sleepy... says: ya, that's what I feel too.  Which I guess is weird, cause usually people are always blaming the other person.
Matthew says: heh, maybe we are just better then everyone else
Sleepy... says: lol. well, height is superior
Matthew says: That i will agree on